About: Simone Kirsch

Simone's guide to stripping in ten easy steps

 

STEP 1 Get a wax. Get a serious wax.

STEP 2 Don red spangly g-string bikini and Perspex, platform stilettos.

STEP 3 Put on Warrant’s Cherry Pie, the ultimate stripping song OF ALL TIME.

STEP 4 Swing hips exaggeratedly to the left, then right, as indicated by lyrics.

STEP 5 Flip hair like you’re a repressed librarian in any eighties rock video who’s finally, and hornily, cut loose.

STEP 6 Undo back of bikini top, slip strap over head, but hold fabric to breasts while squishing them together to create a cleavage. Don’t worry if, like Simone, you don’t have too much to work with.

STEP 7 Whip bikini top away from breasts with a flourish and spin around head. An old move, but a good one.

STEP 8 Bend over and run your hand up your inner thigh and across crotch of g-string if it’s not illegal where you live. As well as unravelling the moral fibre of our good citizens, feigned masturbation can get you busted for illegal prostitution in some states.

STEP 9 Turn to face audience, lie on back with legs in air. Point toes and scissor legs. Return feet to floor, channel JaneFonda (in her exercise video stage – not as Hanoi Jane or Ted Turner’s missus) and thrust pelvis skyward. Unclip gbut hold fabric over relevant areas and move around a little as though to take off – you tease!

STEP 10 Pause to review laws and statutes pertinent to the state in which you aredisrobing. When confident flashing your pussy won’t get your naked ass thrown in jail, remove g, once again with a flourish and give them the money shot or, as my mum might say, show the world what you had for breakfast. Moisturiser spurted on the nether regions at this point will whip audience into a frenzy – have no idea why.